• Tola Coker

Being Asexual In A Hyper-Sexual Society

Updated: Oct 21, 2020

In the last couple of years, society has become more accepting of the idea of casual sex. We’re in a time where people can openly talk about what they want, what they like and tell endless stories of their sexual experiences without being shamed or judged.

Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines asexuality as ‘not having sexual feelings toward others: not experiencing sexual attraction.’ Asexuality is many times misinterpreted as celibacy or abstinence, those of which are conscious choices while asexuality is not.

But for those who don’t have any interest in or desire for sex, being in a setting where that’s what all your friends are talking about can leave one feeling like the odd one out because they’re not able to relate to their peers, which can be daunting since all anyone wants is to fit in.

Before one becomes aware of their asexuality, one begins to think that they’re weird or broken because while their peers are talking about sex, they, on the other hand, are disinterested.

Let’s set the scene; you’re 16, it’s lunchtime, and your friends are talking about what having sex with their boyfriends is like and their first times. While they’re chatting away you listen, nod your head and occasionally add some ‘hmm’s’ and ‘aah’s’ so it seems like you know what they’re talking about when in reality you’d instead talk about how much you guys spend on food.

Or how about this, you’re 18, in university and while you and friends are waiting for your food to arrive, somehow, some way the topic of choking during sex comes up, and each person answers to whether the like it or not; so you zone out and hope they forget that you exist and skip past you.

Recognizing and coming to terms with the fact that you’re asexual also makes you understand why in secondary school you never honestly found sex jokes funny, for example. Once coming to the understanding that you’re not like the people you ought to feel the closest to, it’s as if a wall with a window between you and there’s nothing you can do about it, and it sucks.

Existing in a world that is driven by sex and romance, when you can’t fit in where such a culture is forced upon you, you end up feeling targeted or alienated. In a time where we are bombarded by images of sex or any sexual content, it is especially hard to feel like you belong when you’re 1% of the population. Despite this, what I will attest to is that when you do find people like you, it no longer feels as if you can’t connect or relate to anyone because you’ve discovered a group who don’t make you feel as if your missing out.

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